Support for bereaved families is vital — Jen Gordon
In January 2022, Jen Gordon lost her son, 14-year-old Devin, to suicide. No mother should ever face such tragedy. For the first time she’s told her story, and has explained why support for those left behind is so important.
As Jen Gordon frantically searched for her son, calling, texting, willing him to respond to her, Devin finally sent a short message.
It said, ‘I’m sorry, I love you’.
The mum of three is trying to come to terms with the idea that she will never know why her 13-year-old eldest decided to end his life.
Research has shown that 30% of all 10–19 year olds that die by suicide, do so without any indication of distress.
There are many things about 19 January 2022 that Jen wrestles with. Did she shout at her son telling him to hurry up and get ready for school? Was there an indication, a tiny something she missed that could have changed the course of her life?
One thing she says she’s struggled with a lot is the fact that after he walked out of his school in Bathgate, the ‘Find My Friends’ app indicated he paced around a lot. What if someone stopped him — could things have been different?
“He was 13 and he should have been in school,” Jen said. “If anybody had stopped him and asked him...
“A lot of the research I’ve done shows that if anyone had said, “are you alright?” that it could have made a difference.
“I was phoning and phoning him, and I would imagine he was distressed.
“That for me is the thing, trying to give people the confidence that you are not going to make the situation worse. If you walk past someone just ask if they are alright. You might get a silly look but that could be enough to bring them back, get them talking. It might have been enough.
“I know people are so scared of all other things, but statistically it is not going to make it worse — neither is using the word ‘suicide’. It is just a taboo subject.”
Jen is of course right. Talking about suicide does not increase the chance that someone will take their own life. Indeed evidence suggests it can save a life.
Equally, discussing the means of suicide can increase the risk, and it is for that reason that we have not included how or where Devin died.
Her regret is that it takes a tragedy of this magnitude to encourage people to use the word suicide.
“I was aware after it happened that it gave everyone in the surrounding area a massive opportunity to talk about it,” she says, “but it should not be something to talk about when something happens.
“I am terrified to talk to my two about it, but you know that you’ve got to. I get it’s totally terrifying, but they need to know that they can talk about it, that it is ok and you will get the support. That’s half the battle.”
Jen also believes that there needs to be more support for families bereaved by suicide.
“One of the massive challenges is that there’s not a lot of support,” she said.
“To get any support you have to fill in a form and describe what happened.
“It is so traumatising to sit down and write it down. It is really difficult so it took me a while to be able to do that too.
Even if you’re not physically writing the form yourself, it seems hard to imagine anyone having to relive what happened multiple times over.
In the end it took nearly two years to get the support her children needed, with specialist counselling provided by Winston’s Wish.
“I’ve tried to shelter them a lot from it. They have been so resilient.
“They have now just started counselling but it has taken two years to get an eight week block; that’s really difficult.
“It would be life-changing to have support for everyone available.”
The current suicide prevention action plan, which was developed as part of the Creating Hope Together strategy has a commitment to deliver bereavement support across Scotland.
A new campaign
Jen was speaking as a new FC United to Prevent Suicide campaign launches. It focuses on the idea of the minute of applause, something that’s a regular part of football culture.
Devin — a huge Hearts fan — was one of 762 people who took their own life in 2022.
If each were applauded for a minute it would take twelve and a half hours to complete.
If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health or feeling suicidal, please don’t hesitate to ask for help:
- Contacting your GP or NHS24 on 111 (if you live in Scotland)
- Call Samaritans on 116 123 (available 24/7)
- Call Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87 (6pm-2am on weekdays, and 6pm on Friday to 6am on Monday; if you live in Scotland)
- PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK is available for children and young people under 35 who are having thoughts of suicide or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide — call 0800 068 4141 or text 07860 039 967
- Text “SHOUT” to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line, text “YM” if you are under 19. The service is available 24/7
