Meeting the 3 Dads Walking — and mixed martial arts
In her latest blog, national delivery lead Haylis Smith reflects on two very different experiences this weekend which reminded her of the importance of men’s mental health, and suicide prevention.
Over the weekend I had the privilege to meet the 3 Dads Walking, Tim, Andy & (come on) Mike*.
I already had plans in place when I heard they would be passing through Scottish Borders, but when I saw the route they would be taking was within spitting distance of where I live, I organised my time so I could walk the first part of their route on Saturday 20th April with them, from Soutra Mains towards Gordon.
Although I had heard their story and followed their previous walks, I had never met them before.
I arrived early and as they tucked into their breakfast courtesy of House of Soutra café, I stood outside in the car park. I was joined by a gentleman who had driven down from the North East and slept overnight in his car so he could join the Dad’s on their walk, through tears, he told me about his son who died by suicide at the age of 16.
It was 7.15am and the first of the days tears and hugs.
It struck me that these Dad’s weren’t just walking for themselves or to raise money for Papyrus, their journey was for many other people too.
By the time we set off, a few other people had joined the group, Charlotte the local suicide prevention lead for Borders, a couple of her friends, a couple of locals and another gentleman who had travelled that morning from Glasgow so he could walk a bit of the route with them.
Tim, Andy and Mike came out and warmly welcomed the group, they recognised a few of the faces as people who had joined them on previous walks and we set off.
I spoke mostly with Tim who spoke about the positive meeting they had had with the First Minister Humza Yousaf and Morag Williamson, Unit Head for the Suicide Prevention Policy Team at Scottish Government.
Tim talked about their mission to have suicide prevention as a compulsory part of the school curriculum, his message was clear — suicide is the biggest killer of young people under 35 and we should be providing them with the knowledge and skills while they are in school, so they know what to do.
We spoke about my experiences and the work I had been involved in over the 20 years I had worked in suicide prevention which included work in secondary schools in the Borders and the plans we already have for education and other settings young people attend in Scotland, as we trudged through some boggy marshland heading up over Soutra hill.
I parted ways with the group with a promise this would not be the last we would see of each other.
As I walked back the 45 minutes to my car alone, I thought a lot about what the Dads were doing, they are not just raising money, they are raising awareness, bringing people together and getting people talking about suicide.
Later that morning I headed off for something completely different, something I wasn’t really looking forward to as my stepson was taking part in his first mixed martial arts competition (aka cage fighting).
I loathe fighting of any kind, don’t like watching it and especially didn’t want to watch someone I love and have known since he was a small boy get into a ring and fight another man.
As we drove to Wigan where the event was taking place, I read the online information about it. The event was an MMA event, they support men through an 8 week programme of training which is focussed on their physical and mental health — this piqued my interest!
The event was the culmination of the training with men of all shapes and sizes, aged between 18 and 50+, who had never taken part in this kind of event previously and had participated in the programme. This was their chance to have a first experience of a ‘proper’ fight.
As well as the fighting, the purpose of the event was to raise money for charity and in total the guys had raised over £12k. Arriving at the arena, I was so far out of my comfort zone, but I quickly realised what a supportive community this was.
There were around 60 guys who were taking part, they were split into two teams, red and blue and each bout had one fighter from each team.
The crowd were mainly people there to support their brother, son, friend, dad etc and they really got behind these guys who were brave enough to get in the ring and give it a go.
I didn’t expect this event to connect to my work life at all, it doesn’t feel like a natural fit — mixed martial arts and suicide prevention — but I saw a number of the fighters walking about with mental health charity t-shirts on.
With the number of men impacted by suicide every year, I realised that there were undoubtedly people in the room who had experienced suicidal thoughts at some point in their lives and this activity could be the thing that gave them a sense of purpose and a feeling of being part of a community that cared and was there to support them.
My stepson didn’t win but we were all so proud of him for doing something so brave and for taking part in something at just 18 years old that is good for both his physical and mental health.
He walked a bit taller that day, proud of himself for giving it a go and doing something which was good for him — but I’d really prefer if he took up walking or something less likely to hurt him next!
We headed home on Sunday and as we drove towards Cornhill-on-tweed, I realised the timing was going to be about perfect to meet up with the 3 Dads Walking again in Coldstream and walk with them out of Scotland for the first part of their journey into England.
As we walked into Coldstream, I was blown away. I’m not great with guessing numbers of people but large crowds of people were gathered at a number of points along the main street in the town.
It took ages to travel through the town with everyone wanting to stop and talk, take pictures and pass over treats for the journey.
I lost count of the number of people who said, I lost my friend, my daughter, my son…and Tim, Andy and Mike all took the time to talk to those who shared their experiences with suicide.
As we left Coldstream, I reflected with Andy about what they had achieved.
Walking through the area I have lived and worked in for the last 20 years, they had made it ok to come out onto the streets and talk openly about suicide, through their stories they are enabling others to share theirs, to talk about the people they have loved and cared for who have died by suicide.
There were more people to greet the Dads in Cornhill and more talking. As we were heading out of the village, a lady stopped the Dads and handed over an envelope, she said in a quiet voice ‘my daughter too’. She was too choked up to stop and talk and headed back to her car (hugs were provided).
Her words will stay with me, she didn’t want to walk because she didn’t want to cry, but we all cried with her and for the loss of her daughter.
I parted company with the Dads as they left Cornhill. The two short parts of the walk I did will stay with me.
What really struck me was the community coming together to support these men. The people who had come out in the towns and villages to clap and put money in their bucket and the people who had joined them for all or part of the various legs of the walk — so many with their own experience of suicide.
As part of the vision for Creating Hope Together, we recognise the importance of community, we want to help create communities which are safe, compassionate, inclusive and free of stigma.
I saw the power of community at the MMA in providing support and encouragement and the 3 Dads Walking brought the power of community out over the weekend in the Scottish Borders (and beyond!).
They got people talking about suicide, through being in person with them, or through the many posts on social media, there was a lot of awareness of suicide raised — we now need to harness that and keep the momentum going so that people who are thinking about suicide are able to get the help they need, when they need it.
*whether through choice, because he likes to stop and talk more or because he is the self-designated back marker of the group, Mike is always behind the others and so there is a constant shout of ‘come on Mike’ whenever the dads are approaching a group of people so that photos have all three dads in them.
If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health or feeling suicidal, please don’t hesitate to ask for help by contacting your GP, NHS24 on 111, Samaritans on 116 123 or Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87.
